What we resist, persists!
I am a very spiritual person and I love me some JESUS! He has been my foundation as a divorced single mother, the husband, father, friend and therapist I have needed on my journey. There have been many times when he has tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear an action I needed to take, a red flag I needed to see, or an issue I needed to face, and he loves to throw me an occasional curve ball. LOL Sometimes I resist what he is telling me. It could be because I don’t want to face it, or it might also be because I can’t clarify if it’s him telling me to do it or my own thoughts? Perhaps it could just be because it doesn’t feel right?
As I was preparing for my Grand Canyon retreat my coach and our team met for weekly coaching calls to work through whatever we needed to before breaking free of anything holding us back. Was it grief, trauma, loss or our feelings of self-worth? We are all carrying something we need to let go of and I have a whole list I’ve worked through, where would you like me to start? HA! I thought mine was just wanting to find myself again by create a new life where I wasn’t holding myself back. A new chapter where I can use my gifts and my voice. Maybe I’m ready to find love again not only in myself but with a man. However, somewhere in the back of my head and heart there was a nudge that kept resurfacing. The nudge kept saying there was something I needed to work through with my sister’s passing. I kept saying “been there, done that” and couldn’t figure out what I needed to fix?
On our first day of the hike down the trail I could hear a faint little voice saying “hi, it’s me, I’m the problem it’s me!” UH NO – shhhhhhhhhhh – this trip is for me. The morning of the second day we were on our way back from one hike and heading to another and the voice came back. This time the voice was a little louder and it said “there is nothing to fix, stop always trying to fix things and just let me speak.” “I know you have questions and I know you have regrets, just ask and I will tell you.” e
OK fine: “God I’m sorry for resisting you, I am ready.” I am open to receive. “Does Robyn forgive me for not being there for her during her struggles? Does she know that I loved her and does she love me even after I abandoned her? Is she ok and please tell me she is with you God?” Those were the questions in my heart that needed answered not only for myself but for my Momma to have peace. I didn’t want this to come in the form of a typical animal you would normally see in the canyon, squirrel, bird, lizard or small black butterfly. I wanted something to make an entrance in typical Robyn style, Big, Bold and beautiful! I kept this little secret to myself for a bit and then a few hours later shared it with a friend in my group and let it go.
That afternoon we were trying to cross a very rapid creek, it was cold, slippery and very fast. I didn’t want to do it, it seemed scary and way out of my comfort zone but I wanted to see the waterfall just on the other side. Sometimes in order to get what we need we have to go through something hard. With the help of our teammates, we made it across with our trekking poles and a lot of determination. Just on the other side was an arm or extension of the creek like an open cave, warm, shallow and slow. We maneuvered through the water about ¼ mile passing some trout trying to make their way too! When w arrived to our destination there was a small pool just below the waterfall. IT WAS MAGNIFICENT! There were places to sit, rocks to climb, and little islands to chill out on. As everyone found their place to rest or explore, I was talking and standing on the island enjoying the view, when out of nowhere came a large tiger swallowtail butterfly. This beautiful creature was as big as my hand and it was alone. It circled around me, landed on my hand, circled again, landed, circled and then left. It was like Robyn was saying “HELLO – it’s ME!” It only came to me and it repeated this three times, swoop, circle, land, fly. She answered all three questions in three appearances. “Yes, I forgive you!” “Yes, I am ok.” And “Yes, I love you!” My mouth dropped and was in shock, I looked at my friend as tears rolled down my face. Ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it will be given to you.” Matthew 7:7 All along I thought she was talking to me in songs and or cardinals but she was waiting for me to get out of my comfort zone, take the trip, go on the adventure, LIVE MY LIFE and stop resisting. I found what I needed at the Canyon, lets see what the next adventure brings.
I did some research on the meaning of the Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly; it represents the grace and free nature of the ineffable human soul. It can also mean, hope, endurance, change and life! Maybe I needed Robyn to tell me it’s time to dream, change and live life.
t
