Who am I fooling?
I may look like I have my shit together but there are times when what is going on in my mind is telling a different story. I can put on a good smile and some great acting skills but who am I fooling? Myself? I don't know where it comes from, why it shows up when it does, or what's causing it to become more prevalent, but sometimes my head gets filled with negative thoughts and emotions. It's almost like a balloon that is running out of helium, I feel deflated and start to float lower to the ground. It happened a few weeks ago when I took the day off to hang out with Tori. I woke up feeling off and as I proceeded throughout the day it became worse, my first reaction was because I'm so used to being on a routine. When I'm off of work, I usually feel full of life and like I can be anything or anyone I want, free, but that day it felt off. It wasn't even my brain that was talking it was more my body, it lacked energy, it was unsure what to do with its time. Me being off my schedule, working out at a different time during the day, the weather turning cold, made things feel even worse. Then I was home and spiraled into a low but I kind of worked my way through it. I realized my self-talk was that I hadn't been productive enough. I slept in, I did a few things different at the gym, I was trying to find things to do at home to get things in order or feel busy so I wouldn't want to shop, eat, or find a quick dopamine hit. Tori was home but she was out doing errands. How am I going to fill my day? None of it was quieting the voices! There is a voice inside me that is always saying do more, make a task list to check off, be productive, learn something, DO SOMETHING that gives you value or makes you feel worthy! I can't just BE.
Luckily, I can talk my way through it with God. Sometimes I just want to go to bed, it feels exhausting OR I'm bored! I feel lifeless, like I'd rather get under the covers and go to sleep for a while, BUT I keep going. I push through it because I won't let myself get defeated. NOT TODAY SATAN!
Some of it could be loneliness, the cold weather, no sunshine, dehydrated, not enough food, OR hormones? Whatever it is I need it to go away. They say that the rate of suicide in women increases greatly as we enter the menopausal years, ages 45 - 64, due to biological changes. I wonder if my hormones are out of whack? I wonder if depression runs in our family? I hope Tori doesn't get it and if she does, I hope God can help her work her way through it. There are times when I ask myself, why am I even here, what is my value, my worth, how am I spending my time? I grew up being taught if I wasn't checking the boxes then I wasn't of value. Work before play...
On the weekends, once all of my tasks are completed, then I do whatever I want. There are no negative thoughts or unhappiness, but this day I was not feeling great. Maybe I'm just mourning the thought that soon Tori will be off and doing her own thing, I won't be needed as much. I could also be caught up in what my future holds and what do I want it to look like? I can't just keep going to the gym, walking the dogs, going to the office over and over like a Ferris Wheel. I need a new direction or new path to follow. I don't know the answers but I'm sure God will help me figure it out.
That following Saturday I prayed for God to use me as a remnant to help someone AND he answered. I went to the gym and unexpectedly someone came up and asked me if I had ever gone through bouts of depression during menopause? UH WAIT, I just had this conversation with myself at the beginning of the week! We both workout, eat right, take supplements, stay hydrated, and do all of the things we think we need to do to be our healthiest selves, but our minds tell us we aren't enough. Yes, my friend I know exactly what you are dealing with and you are not alone. No matter how hard you try, things in your body can still be off, because of the toxins in our environment, the years of restrictive dieting or drinking too much. Our body keeps the score, you need to take the extra steps to see where you are off. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN but something in your system is not in sync. Get your labs done, go to a therapist, or connect with like-minded people who can relate to your story and share your experiences. Just knowing you're not “crazy” definitely gives you a better frame of mind. Get those hormones in check, track your food and water intake for 30 days to see if you can find a pattern, keep your stress low, workout, and keep the faith. Find your tribe! We got this F Team!
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